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That reminds me of a story.
After that last one, I thought you might all enjoy a short follow up.
After Al, Chuck, Leo, returned to their other lives back in the world, they kept getting requests from various Agencies and Bureaus for more mine closure data, mostly focusing upon lines of documentation. The various Bureaus desired monographs, road guides, technical reports, and most importantly, detailed step-by-step “How To” manuals.
My guys, now my fully credentialed doctored colleagues, were predictably reticent to write up “How To” manuals for something that was obviously not of their authorship nor inception.
“Fuckin’-A, Rock,” Leo tells me in a phone call, “They want me to fuckin’ basically claim-jump you writing up mine closing procedures. What’s with these goatfuckers? They figured they paid you enough and are now trying to run a goddamned end around? Collective shitheels. No fucking way I’d even think of crossing, even accidently, the Motherfuckin’ Pro from Dover.”
I replied that I had no idea, as after the initial contacts after the field season, I had heard precisely dick from any of the bureaus. Which is fine, as I’m busier than a one-armed paperhanger in a windstorm getting ready to shift the family some 12,700 kilometers east.
I thanked Leo for the intel and told him not to worry, it’s just bureaucracy misfiring at its finest.
“Fuckin’-A, Bubba,” replies Leo as he hangs up.
It suddenly goes all dusty in my office. “I’ve trained that boy well,” I sniff and chuckle heartily.
A short while later, Al wrote me that he’s been contacted by the Bureau/Agency and they are desirous that he lead a field trip with a gaggle of professors from various universities. They are also not all geologists, but Environmental Scientists, Hydrologists, something called an “Environmental Engineer,” and other forms of societal detritus.
He tells me that they wanted him to lead a group of these characters out into the desert for a couple of weeks and show them the mine closure procedures which he developed.
He was most adamant in assuring me that they contacted him, and that the terminology was also theirs. He was already otherwise engaged, so he naturally had to decline. However, he made it abundantly clear that he would never even entertain such a notion like the one they had posited.
I wrote him back, as he was down in Patagonia doing something more or less interesting and/or exciting, thanking him for the information and wishing him well on his expedition. Since he was in the field, I also included a couple of the recipes we enjoyed back in the Nevada desert.
He later tells me that the Gauchos he was working with down there have never heard of Pineapple Upside Down Cake and they absolutely were delighted by it. Come to find out, they also like potato juice and citrus drinks as well.
“Good ol’ Dr. Good-deed. Aide to all men.” I pondered.
I talked with Esme about all this and she was of the opinion that either they knew I was headed east or they wanted me to have some time off. I had been doing a lot of ad hoc work for both Agencies and Bureaus over the last few years.
“Of course,” I replied, “Never ascribe to malice what can best be defined by governmental bureaucracy and officiousness.”
So, time puttered on.
We were holding weekly ‘GROJ (Get Rid Of Junk) sales’ on our weekends. Since everything electrical we possessed was 120 VAC, and the rest of the world, it seems, is 220 VAC, I had to part with all my antiquated electronics. My Fisher Studio-Standard stereo system, Akai reel-to-reel 16-track tape machines, EMI TG12345 MK IV recording console, and Harmon-Kardon turntables and amplifiers.
It was painful. However, I rationalized, if I were to stick them in storage for a decade or two, I’d have re-paid for them via rental fees a couple or three times over. Plus, and all that sitting unused in a storage locker certainly wouldn’t be good for these vintage electronical gizmos.
Still, it was a painful time to pack them into the back of someone else’s vehicle.
I had to take all my firearms to my Brother-in-Law for safekeeping. Since he’s in Kentucky, he was both happy to accept and vowed to give them regular workouts. Even though he’s some form or another of mechanical engineer, I guess I could trust him.
One day, the home phone rings. It’s Chuck and he’s livid.
“Rock!” he hollers, “You know what those chapped bastards at the Bureau want from me? They want me to step in on your turf, and take a clan of idiot pseudo-geologists out in the field for a couple of weeks and train them in mine closing. Can you fucking believe that?”
“Chuck,,” I say, “Whoa. Cool down. Leo and Al report the same, so it just looks like you were next on the list. So, going to take them up on their offer?”
“Don’t make me laugh, Doc!” Chuck asks, “First: I’m busy. Second: I wouldn’t have the foggiest idea how to handle logistics, camping, explosives, and all that other bureaucratic horseshit you somehow put up with. Third: I really don’t want a midnight visit from you and your bag of tricks because I’ve pissed you off by taking credit for what’s rightfully yours.”
“What is the fucking deal?” I ask Chuck, “I’m not like that at all. Everyone thinks I’m going go out and frag them because the Bureau asks them to do a job I did previously. Damn, I’m the most laid-back, gregarious, and even-tempered person on the planet; and I’ll mutilate the miserable manky motherfucker that says I’m not.”
Chuck laughs nervously.
“Hyperbole aside,” I continue, “It’s just that they know I’m headed out to the Middle East and don’t want to bother me right now; I suppose.”
“Umm, Rock,” Chuck clears his thought, and gulps, “That’s not the reason they told me.”
“Is that a fact?” I ask, “What did they give as a reason?”
“Now, Rock, don’t take this wrong. This is Bureau-speak, not me,” Chuck wants to make the point vodka-clear, “But they felt you were the wrong person to lead this group of ‘scholars’. They were concerned with your…”
Hesitation.
“Spill it, Chuck,” I say.
“Demeanor,” Chuck says, “Your conduct, your deportment, your behavior…”
“I see someone got a Thesaurus for Christmas,” I said.
“Rock, that’s them, not me,” Chuck continues, “They said you are too ‘wild and wooly’ to conduct this field expedition of ‘noted scholars’.”
“Is that a fact?” I ask, rhetorically.
“Just reporting to you what they told me, Bossman.” Chuck offers.
“I appreciate it, Chuck. Thanks.” I reply, “Don’t sweat it. I’ll take it from here.”
You could hear an audible expression of relief when we broke connection.
After a couple of cocktails, I had simmered down a bit. Esme says that I need to call my Agency buddies and get the lowdown on the situation, as they’ll know what’s going on.
For once, Esme is also very, very pissed off about the whole situation. Mama Bear’s claws were getting sharpened.
“You are gone for months,” Es exclaims, “Train a bunch of greenhorns, exceed project requirements by over 200%, supply crucial scientific data on forensic activities, and take out a disaster they didn’t even know existed in that mine with the locker full of explosives!”
“Yeah,” I reply, “Does seem a wee bit unappreciative.”
“And then they pull this kind of shit!,” Es yells further, “Those ungrateful bastards. Fuck ‘em. Let them stew in their own futility. They call and you tell them to get stuffed. After all you did for them…”
“Now, now, Dearest,” say, “Let me call Rack and Ruin. If anyone has the skinny on all this, they’ll have all the latest dope.”
“Bastards!,” Es cries, “You damn near get killed several times over and this is their thanks?”
“Yeah, I know, Darling,” I say, “Does seems a bit ungrateful and duplicitous.”
Esme hands me the phone.
“Phone. Call. Now.” She orders.
Looks like I just got my marchin’ orders.
“Yes, my love,” I reply. Even I know when I’m out-matched.
RING RING RING
Agent Rack answers and we go through the usual pleasantries…
“What the flying fuck you mean ‘I’m too dangerous’?” I question Agent Rack.
“Well, Doctor,” Rack tries to explain, “Your ‘cavalier’ attitude towards explosives. More of your ‘relationship’ with them. Not showing the proper deference…”
“WHAT?,” I roar, “Ask anyone that has worked with me in the field! ‘Safety first, last, and foremost’. Just that I don’t fret and quail around explosives like a bunch of phonophobic, jumped-up, wet-pantied shuddering schoolgirls, when I have to demolish something, doesn’t mean I’m anything other than a goddamned consummate professional.”
“Plus, Doctor, ” Rack continues, “It’s not the 1880’s any longer. A Stetson? A sidearm? A .454 Casull Magnum at that…”
“You have got to be yanking my crank here, Rack.” I angrily reply, as I really hate it when someone calls me Doctor like that, “The hat keeps the sun off my head so I don’t get addled like those fuckers you’re talking with at the Bureau. The sidearm is for safety. Oh, yes; there’s that word again. It’s a fucking tool, just like my Estwing hammers or my galvanometer.”
“Can’t kill anyone with a galvanometer,” Rack replies.
“But I could with a hammer, myriad ways” I reply, “And give me five minutes, I’d figure out a way to ‘extract’ someone with a galvanometer...”
“Doctor, do let me let you talk with Agent Ruin; I’m needed elsewhere,,” he tells me.
Agent Ruin takes the phone. It’s the old Agency Two-Step.
“Doctor is distraught,” he observes.
“No, ‘Doctor’ is just plain damned mad.” I reply, “They contract me for a job that has never been attempted before and I complete it beyond their wildest expectations! This is my recompense?”
“Well, Doctor,” Ruin continues, “I’m sure it’s strictly a business decision. It’s obviously nothing personal.”
“It sure as fuck sounds personal,” I gripe back, as now I’ve gone from annoyed to genuinely pissed off, “I’m surprised they didn’t say something derogatory about my Hawaiian shirts.”
“Oh, they did,” Agent Ruin lets slip.
“Oh? OK, Fine. That’s is then,” I reply, “The joyfulness of this whole experience has left the building. Tell them to strike me from their fucking list. I’m done with them. I wash my hands of them. I’m off east anyways. Fuck that bunch of paper-pushing, deskbound, pencil-necked dickheads. Fuck them. Fuck them solid. Fuck them ‘till they bleed.”
“Strong message to follow,” I add.
“Doctor,” Agent Ruin reminds me, “Do I need to remind you that all our conversations are recorded?”
“Oh, fuck no. I know that. So fucking what?” I growl, “Like I’m going to get tossed in Guantanamo for expressing a personal opinion? I can still do that in this fine country. Or has the First Amendment been repealed in my absence?”
“Doctor, you’re obviously agitated,’ Ruin adds, “Perhaps we’ll talk again later when you’ve calmed down before you head to the Middle East.”
“Yeah, about that,” I reply, “You shady characters can cross me off your fucking list as well. You’ve done nothing for me on this latest concern. Nothing! You couldn’t even give me the courtesy of a motherfucking heads-up. Guess that tells me all I need to know about the future of our relationship. Goodbye, Agent Ruin. Give Agent Rack my ‘Da Svidonya. I won’t be answering your calls any longer.
“Doctor, I, um, wait…”Agent Ruin sputters.
I continue: “And as long as I’m at it, tell that other Bureau to go hang as well. They want more data or shit from me, tell them to go find it elsewhere. And also tell them good luck with that. The three experts that exist in the world apart from me already told them to get bent. At least they possess loyalty and a dollop of comradeship. I’ll be shipping your phone and other items back via parcel post. Hasta la vista, Herr Ruin. Have a day.”
CLICK-KER -FUCKING-SMASH! I hang up in the rudest way possible.
“Clapped-out assholes,” I muse. “All those years of working together. All those years of building relationships around the world. It’s all kyboshed over a fucking Hawaiian shirt. I guess it was inevitable. Either I became too specialized or evolved myself out of being useful to them. Ah, well, their loss. Can’t be helped…”
I take a healthy swig right from the prime vodka bottle. OK, several.
“FUCKERS!” I scream at the wood-paneled ceiling, shaking my fist in vehement rage at the clouds coolly cruising by outside my window.
Esme doesn’t come running. She doesn’t have to. She knows the score.
I ship the Agency’s toys back to them with a terse note: “Thanks for all the nothing. Here’s your shit back. Dr. Rocknocker. PS: Get stuffed.”
Not my best effort, I’ll agree. However, I was really pissed at that point.
Now I have the time to devote solely to relocating my family and I overseas. Gad, there’s so much crap one must go through. What to sell, what goes in storage, what to trash, what to give away…the lists are endless.
First to go are all my power tools. Fuckbuckets. It took me decades to amass that collection. I got a good price, sure, but now I’m more or less without a hobby. We decide to put all Esme’s lapidary equipment in storage. It’s too specialized to generate much interest, much less a decent price. Besides, they won’t rot in our absence.
I can ship my fishing gear and golf clubs overseas. They’re American, but at least not 120 VAC.
Our house goes on the market and we have to get it spiffed to within an inch of its life. Got to have that ‘curb appeal’. Good, let someone else do it, I’m busy. More unexpected expense.
I give our house contractors out in New Mexico their marching orders. It’s going slow and will be a seasonal thing, but they guarantee me the house will be ready by next summer if they can source the slabs of Baraboo Quartzite I want. Splendid, that’s something I don’t have to follow up on every day.
Then there’s our aquarium. 250 gallons of treated Houston water, loaded with native Texan fish and a couple of cranky Jack Dempseys. All the gear, filters, pumps, water polishers, heaters, treaters, all of it. Has to go.
My ex-Utah Mormon drinking buddy down the road expresses interest. I basically let him have it gratis on the one condition he takes everything, fish included. He has to keep the fish alive and happy their entire lives. I’ve raised some from minnows and have grown attached to a couple of the gaspergou and a certain smallmouth bass with those big brown eyes…
Digger, my stalwart mechanic, is going to purchase my truck. It’s a bittersweet parting, but at least I know it’ll have a great home. Digger is going to use it as both his personal truck and his company’s hot-shot vehicle for pick-up and delivery of everything from batteries to full drivetrains. I know the vehicle will be in good hands.
Our Land Rover is up for grabs. Few are interested, though; buyer’s market. It’s a couple of years old and has lots of miles, due to Houston being so stupid-big. I order an extra-large bottle of AstroGlide as I know I’m going to be taking it up the ass on this one…
Finally, our pets.
Reluctantly, I’ve agreed to take the cat. It’s a stupid little feline that I figure we can just toss in a suitcase and drag it with us overseas. No, I guess we’ll get a cat-carrier and figure it out with the airlines.
Then there’s Lady. 135 kilos of dopey puppy. She’s getting up in years, as well, especially for a giant breed. Luckily, overseas we’ll be living on a Western compound. So if we go through all the rigmarole of quarantine, getting her a ‘pet passport’, and shipping via a specialist service, Lady can bark at the tenets of pre-Islam (dogs really aren’t haram), and actually join us in our new home.
This is going to cost a fortune, but I don’t care. She’s an integral part of the family, she is going to join us.
I find a Pet Relocation Service and begin the masses of insane paperwork. It’s an ‘all-in’ service, basically door-to-door. But do not be deluded, they charge every micrometer of the way.
Vaccinations, chipping (she already was fitted with an RFID chip), booking, boarding, securing vet services, obtaining health certificates, securing import permits, dealing with all issues related to customs clearance, interacting with foreign agents, supplying IATA approved crates, and obtaining Municipality tags registration for new arrivals.
Gonna cost me a couple-three-four kilobucks. Worth every penny.
Esme, the kids and I are working on beginning packing, tossing this, wrapping that, sentimentalizing over the other thing when we get a ring at the door.
It’s a bonded courier. He has a package for me.
It’s of the size that would contain about 6-months’ worth of Playboy magazines, and has no external address. I sign for the thing and walk back to the kitchen.
“What you got there, Rock?” Es asks.
“Not sure,” I reply, “But it came via bonded courier.”
“Well, open it,” Es smiles. She loves surprises.
I do so and it’s a series of articles, re-prints, and other information regarding Nevada, mine closures, and the Mine Closure Act. There’s also a number of newspaper and magazine clippings that had been photo-copied into a dozen-page document. All of them, write-ups and reviews from different newspapers, house organs, and journals citing my work with the guys out in the field.
I open it further and there’s a personal note from Dr. Sam Muleshoe, and a certified check, made out in my name.
Seems I was correct. After exhausting their leads with Al, Leo, and Chuck, they have spent near a month trying to find someone to take over the project. “To fill my shoes,” as Dr. Sam Muleshoe notes.
They came up totally empty.
“Told ya’ so.” I gloated. Esme smiles a wide schadenfreude-fueled smile.
I look at the check. It’s plenty healthy, but not superhero strength.
I show Es and she laughs out loud.
“So,” Es whoops, “They think they can get back in your good graces by buying you off? Hah! Fat chance,” she says and regards the check, “Hell. They’re not even close.”
I agree with Esme passionately.
I write a quick, hand-scribbled note to Dr. Muleshoe, thanking him for the information. I give several options, some admittedly anatomically impossible, regarding what he can do with the check and the Bureau’s offer.
I wrap it back up with duct-tape, call the courier service, and return it to Reno, COD.
A couple of days later, I receive a phone call. Surprise, surprise, it’s from Reno.
“Rock, it’s Reno!,” Es tells me.
I shake my head “no!” slicing my hand through the air in the head-chop mime.
“Tell him I’ve gone bush in darkest Outer Albania and you have no idea when I’ll be back,” I say.
Esme looks a bit sheepish, as we can hear the phone remark: “I can hear you, you know.”
“Fuckbuckets,” I think, “OK, hand me the rap-rod.”
“Yeah?” I growl, very grizzly-like into the infernal communication device.
“Hello, Rock. This is Sam Muleshoe,” the phone reports.
“Damn,” I exclaim, “I guess you characters can’t take ‘no’ for an answer. Which word fucking confused you?”
“Rock, what’s the god damned deal?,” Sam asks innocently, “Why all the bloody hostility?”
“Oh, double-fuck me!” I say metaphorically, “Don’t act like you don’t know. Try and snake the latest field mine closing job out from under me and try to snag my guys. Then, when that fails, give some sort of bullshit report to Rack and Ruin. You think I’m ‘too cavalier’, too “wild and wooly’, and think I’m some goddamned 19th-century throwback that loves horrible Hawaiian shirts…”
“Doc?,” Sam asks, “Are you currently fucking drunk? What the actual fuck are you rabbeting on about?”
“Sam, I’m stone-cold fucking sober,” I reply, “Yeah. I know, that’s a first. But listen here Scooter. You must have balls of brass trying to sweet-talk me into running another field course after all you did…”
“Rock,” Sam pleads, “Please, believe me, I have no idea what you’re on about. Can we talk and maybe figure this thing out?”
“No!,” I holler, “I’m done talking with the likes of your Bureau. Nothing you can do or say to rebuild the bridges they’ve burned with me.”
“OK,” he says, “Doct…, err, Rock, buddy. Calm your tits. Give me the Reader’s Digest version. I’ll look into it, because I have absolutely no idea what this is all about. This really sounds serious, with fuck-up overtones. Trust me, I’m serious as the last cold can of beer on a field trip.”
“Marvelous.” I say, “I guess I owe you that much. Professional courtesy. At least one of us has the grit to employ some.”
So, I run through the tale of the travails of Al, Chuck, and Leo. Then my little difference of opinion with Agents Rack, Ruin, and the Agency. Plus my severing of ties with both that Agency out on the east coast and the Bureaus in the great American Southwest.
“Doctor,” Sam says intently, “I know it’s going to be difficult, but I swear on a box of your finest cigars with a vodka chaser that I didn’t know anything about all this nor did it come from this office. Por favor señor, let me do some digging. I’ll be back in touch.”
“Sam,” I say, thinking over the situation, “Yeah…I must apologize for my previous outbursts. I should have known you’re not behind this idiocy. Yeah, go do some fossicking. Let me know what you dig up. Again, sorry. I was a bit…animated.”
“Rock,” Sam chuckles, “Do you think that I’d dare anger someone like you? You must think I’ve got a serious case of cranial lithification to cheese-off the Motherfucking Pro from Dover!”
At this point, I knew that Sam was also only collateral damage; he too was caught in the crossfire. Ground zero for the original attacks lie elsewhere within the Bureau.
Esme and I go back to preparing for our trip coming up in 2 months. But Jesus Q. Christwagons, there’s so much to do. Everything you own; it gets packed, stored, or trashed.
It’s the decisions that get so tiring. Keep. Toss. Sell. Burn. Leave on someone’s doorstep.
I propose to Es that we just do the basic necessities. Then we hire some firm to finish up for us. It’d be worth the cost since just think what we’d be saving on aspirin and Ace Bandages.
Esme readily backs the idea that we should turn the job over to someone else. Plus in the interim, we can take a trip back home to Baja Canada so the kids could visit their grandparents, we visit our family, and all of us could cool out a bit before the big trip east.
I need to drop by Big Ray’s Tap for a few hours/days anyways.
Old commitments.
We’d go the beginning of our last month here in the States, spend a couple of weeks visiting family at home, leave the kids with the grandparents to get spoiled rotten. Es and I would return to Houston to finalize everything.
Then Es and I would fly from Houston to that damn sprawling annoyance of an airport on the big lake in Illinoise. The family would meet us there, handover the kids, and we’d all haul ass eastwards to the Middle East.
I readily agreed. Anything has to be better than dealing with this crapola.
Lady and the stupid cat would go to the pet schleppers a little early. Sure, it’d cost a few more dinars, but that’s one big headache sorted.
So, late one afternoon, I’m sitting in my office, trying to figure out exactly what reference works I couldn’t live without.
Compton’s? Save. Field Guide to Fungus? Toss. No, wait a minute. Could prove useful.
That’s why this is taking forever.
The phone rings.
It’s Sam.
“Hello, Sam,” I say, “What news?”
“Goddamn it all to fucking hell and back,” Sam roars.
“That’s a unique greeting,” I reply.
“I finally drilled down to the bottom of all this horseshit.,” Sam replies, “And it’s a real bowl of fuck all the way south.”
“I’m listening,” I say, “Actually, Sam, hold on. I need a drink. Moment.”
I give Es the high sign, note it’s Sam on the phone, and that I’ll be in my office if she hears any screaming.
I amp up my drink and return to my office, closing the door behind me.
Lady is here, waiting to keep my feet warm.
“OK Sam, your nickel,” I say, “What’s the scoop?”
“Would you believe?,” he begins, “That all batshittery this came from accounting and bookkeeping?”
“Well,” I reply, “I’ll have to admit that I’m not overly surprised.”
“Yeah,” Sam continues, “I was off on holiday. My first two weeks off after 5 years. My very temporary replacement received a memo from the head of the Bureau that there was great interest in you leading a shortened version of your last trip to demonstrate to a bunch of different university PhDs in the care and feeding of abandoned mines. Seems the Bureau Chief was very impressed with what you and your team accomplished.”
“OK,” I reply, “With you so far. So, where did things get wrapped around a tractor’s nuts?”
“Right,” he replies, “Here’s where things first went off the rails. Whoever vetted the list of potential attendees sorted the list alphabetically, not by field of expertise. Of course, the obvious first choice would be for geologists; especially those with mining, field, and blasting experience.”
“Ah,” I replied, “No wonder it was such a miscellaneous bunch of baloney-loaf whole-grain enviro-types that Al had mentioned.”
“Yep,” Sam agreed, “But before anyone with any brains got sight of that list, some fucknuts in the Bureau’s University Liaison department sent out invitations.”
“Invitations?” I asked, “To what?”
“That’s just the thing,” Sam continued, “They sent out invites to a program that didn’t yet exist, run by someone who had yet to be contacted, much less secured.”
“Oh, hey! That’s some good work you guys do down there.” I snort.
“Indeed,” Sam agrees, “So once that hit the mail, we started getting back replies and acceptances.”
“And there was no project, no leader, no logistics…?” I asked.
“No shit,” Sam scoffs. “So, what did these idiots here do? Contact the attendees and explain the problem. Take a little flack, but get it sorted out then try again?”
“Let me guess,” I said, “No?”
“Nope,” Sam sighs, “By that time, it was in the works and in the hands of accountants.”
“Oh, fuck,” I commiserated. “I feel your pain.”
“Yeah,” Sam continues, “They see that you’re the hookin’ bull on the last one and they dig into your contract. They figure, ‘Whoa, he’s way too expensive, just look at these expense accounts’, so they do an end-around and contact your colleagues.”
“Al, Chuck, and Leo. They’re damn good guys,” I said, “Fine field scientists, all. But I don’t think any of them have the moxie or experience yet to run a whole field course.”
“These accounting shitheads never bothered to find out,” Sam groans, “It was all ‘bottom line’, so you got caught in the squeeze.”
“OK,” I reply, “I see how that happened, but what about all the shit about me being a 19th-century throwback, that I’m unsafe, wear horrible Hawaiian shirts, and all that shit?”
“Comedy of bloody errors,” Sam says, “Actually, the Bureau Chief likes your fashion sense; you should see some of his shirts. But your slime campaign was based on unreliable evidence, tall tales, folklore, and outright fabrications. It was easy to pimp someone with a personality like yours, it’s been said. Someone was trying desperately to cover his ass. However, we have identified the perpetrator.”
“Next time I’m in Reno,” I said, “I’ll pay him a friendly little visit and arrange his transport to Neptune. One way. Y’know, it’d be easy for someone with a ‘personality like mine’.”
“Ah, yeah. He won’t be here,” Sam says, “In fact, we don’t know where the hell he went. He was immediately sacked, as were a couple of the more boneheaded accountants.”
“That’s redundant,” I smirk, “They really don’t want to talk with or see me anytime soon.”
“Right, then Rock,” Sam says, “We green again?”
“Yeah, Sam,” I reply, “Sure. Green as a New Saigon. But you’ve got to call Rack and Ruin for me. You have to let them know how this whole clusterfuck came to be. We had some words a while back.”
“Oh, yeah,” Sam remembers, “I talked with them the other day. They said they’ll be in Houston in a couple of days.”
“Cor! Just what I fucking need right now,” I lament. “Ah, it is what it is.”
“OK, Rock. Now, back to reality. You interested?” Sam asks.
“Send me a JD (job description) and the project particulars. The price of poker’s really going up this time, Sam. Stratospheric. Sorry, it’s all just business.” I relate.
“Yeah…,” Sam sighs, “I figure we’ll really owe you if you can drag our ass out of the campfire on this one.”
“You have no idea,” I chuckle. We exchange farewells and ring off.
Now I have some talking to do with my significant other.
Since we were all set to go back to Baja Canada, I could use those two weeks to go to Nevada, if necessary. I can be back in Houston with Es for the last two weeks before we’re slated to travel, and we can sort out the house.
“This won’t be an easy sell,” I muse, before chatting with my darling, brilliant, and ever-so-forgiving partner.
“I’ll need a drink first”, I declare.
Esme notes that it would be nice to have a little spare cash with us when we move overseas.
You could have dropped me with a Claymore. Es never fails to flummox me.
So, provisional OK from the powers that be. Now all I have to do is wait on Sam’s prospectus.
The next day, the doorbell rings. It’s Agents Rack and Ruin.
One is holding a box of very expensive cigars, and one is holding a bottle of very expensive bourbon.
I turn to Es and remark, “Look here, darlin’. Geeks bearing gifts.”
“Hello, Doctor,” Rack says, bristling, “We need to talk. “
“Why?” I ask, “I do seem to recall that I’m no longer associated with you people any longer.”
“Doctor,” Agent Ruin cocks his head contritely, bowing ever so slightly, “May we please have a moment of your time?”
I look to Es. She shrugs her shoulders. Luckily I’m partial to Es’ opinion. I am also partial to good bourbon and cigars, especially when someone else is paying for them. So I shrug my shoulders as well and tell them to make entry.
“My office, “ I say, “You know the way. Mind the boxes.”
Once in my office, the Agents stack their offerings and go on in great detail, basically collaborating Sam’s story. I remain steadfast and stony as the Harney Peak Granite of Mr. Rushmore fame. I’m not giving anything away any longer.
“Well, Doctor,” Agent Ruin finalizes, “That’s the story, warts and all.”
“Yep, it is pretty warty,” I agree, “So?”
“We would like to rekindle our relationship,” Agent Rack reports, “These are for starters.”
He hands me the cigars and booze; plus another box.
“Thanks,” I say, “But just because I accept your peace offerings, that doesn’t mean we’re going to turn back the clock.”
“What are you suggesting?” Agent Ruin asks.
“No more consulting,” I reply, “I want in. The ‘Full Monty’, as it were. If I’m going overseas and work for some twitchy Middle Eastern sandpit’s national oil company, I want perks, tabs, and my ass duly covered.”
“Work two full-time jobs simultaneously?” Agent Rack asks.
“However you want to structure it,” I say, “No more consulting. From here on out, you want me, you’re making me a full-fledged full-timer.”
Agents Rack and Ruin look at each other, enquiringly.
“Doctor,” Agent Rack replies, “We are prepared to offer you an ad hoc Agency appointment. You will be fully attached but you will be also doing your full-time job in the other country.”
“I’m listening. Tell me more,” I ask, “What exactly are you offering?”
“Full access to all pertinent information,” Agent Ruin continues, “Full entrée to appropriate facilities and, um, assets. Security for you and your family in case of, well, shall; we say, ‘difficulties’. Monthly minimum payment of [$$$] to any non-US bank of your choice. Extra duties would be duly compensated. Top clearances. An enhanced potential payment package, bonus possibilities, and full benefits for you.”
“Full benefits for me and my family,” I say, “Or there’s the door. Non-negotiable” I point out.
“Very well. That had been anticipated.” Agent Rack replies.
“Gentlemen,” I say, “Let us shake on what I hope turns out to be a beautiful relationship.”
We shake hands and I sign my life away. I’m really in it now, up to my neck. I have to learn to shut up more and just listen.
“Now, gents,” I say, “In order to seal the deal, let us break out the drinking stuff you’ve brought along. We will also smoke together so that we will know there will be no lies or deceit between us.”
“Also anticipated, Doctor,” both agents agree.
My ‘new’ old colleagues prepare to leave a while later, after a cigar, and far too much of what was a full bottle of expensive gift booze. They always get you in the end.
Contained within the other small box were my new Agency credentials, updated version satellite phone, secure codes, and a nifty new Swiss Army Knife, with a built-in cigar cutter.
With renewed dedication and expectations all ‘round, Agents Rack and Ruin take their leave.
They hope to be able to meet me and the family, remember, they are Uncles Rack and Ruin, overseas one day in the not too distant future. My information, further updated cards, registration, and all that official business guff will come to the specific Middle Eastern country’s US Embassy for me once we arrive and get settled.
“Marvelous,” I muse.
I receive an Email from Dr. Muleshoe explaining what we talked about and his hopes for my stickhandling a ‘quick’ 2-week field excursion for the approximately 15 Ph.D. types from around North America. Seems there’s a couple of Canadians and one Mexican professor that expressed desires to join. They had actually forwarded funds to be included in our number.
Sam suggests I drive out in my truck and proceed as per the last trip. Get the trailer, fill it with noisemakers, and the Bureau would sort out transportation and lodging for the attendees. Seems some want to camp, like real geologists, and some want to lodge in hotels, like real non-geologists.
I write Sam back:
First item: this is a 2-week sojourn into the desert. It’s a field meeting, emphasis on the field, not a tour of Nevada’s many fine hotels, resorts, and casinos.
Item two: I no longer possess my truck. The Bureau will provide me with the appropriate vehicular equivalent. No passengers, this will be the Camp Chief truck from the onset. Besides, I am the only one licensed to drive the vehicle when coupled to an explosives-laden trailer.
Item three: I will be flown to and from Reno from Houston. No buses, trains, or automobiles. It’s business class or zilch.
Item the fourth: the Bureau will source the necessary support logisticians to provide food, drink, and toilet paper for the 16 professionals while we are in the field. They will also need to provide cooks, dishwashers, camp tidiers, and the like as I don’t have time to deal with 15 potentially field-fresh, whiny waterhead PhDs.
Item the fifth: The Bureau will provide for all pre- and post-trip handling of participants. They can handle hotel rooms for the early arrivers or late-stayers. They can manage arrivals, registration, signing of necessary documents, and assuring vaccination records are up to snuff, waivers are signed, etc. They will also handle the transportation of participants to/from and during the field project, when and where necessary.
Item the sixth: I include a new version of my contract. Force Majeure, ‘Take or Pay’ clause. Door to door coverage. Plus my, ahem, augmented day rate. Absolutely non-negotiable.
Item seven: I have final say over what is done in the field. I am in command, the boss, the head cheese, the head honcho, and I require absolute discipline, especially where explosives are concerned. “My way or the highway” will be the theme of the trip. Gain, non-negotiable.
To be continued.

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Date: 2012-03-23
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Questions	Answers
Have you ever spotted a black jack "crew"? Or seen a "crew" taken out by the casino?	I've seen people TRYING to be a "crew." Most people who think they can count cards, can't. Right after that movie 21 came out the casinos were flush with confused college kids whispering to each other, "What's the count again?"
What's it cost to get a hooker to do anal?	Honestly, I have no idea. You can e-mail the prostitutes in Pahrump before going in and they would tell you if they offer the service and how much it would cost.
	Also, great username.
Do you have blackjack basic strategy down by heart? if so, and I just want to play that way, will you tell me what to do? are you allowed to tell me what to do if I just ask? Related question: do you keep a count of the cards yourself? if so are you good at predicting when a counter is going to make their big bets?	Yes, I have basic strategy memorized and some dealers are allowed to assist players, it depends on the casino. I only keep count if I'm bored or I suspect someone else on the table is counting.
My brother-in-law, Bob, was in Las Vegas last week. What did you think of him?	Bob was a delight for everyone and a generous tipper. We'd love to have him back again.
If I were to make a trip to Vegas, how would enabling the Wild Wasteland perk affect my travels? I've heard some people say it's what the experience should be in the first place and others say it's just stupid.	Enabling Wild Waseland turns the Wild Wild West Casino into a casino based on the Wild Wild West movie adaptation starring Will Smith; I don't recommend it. Plus the walls get all clippy.
What is the deal with counting cards? Is it easy to spot? If so, do you get a lot of amateur card counters trying to do this or cheat in other ways, and what is the normal course of action? Thanks!	Very few people actually try to cheat here. Spotting card counters is all in the way that they bet. It's a certain formula with very few methods of deviation so if they don't follow it strictly it doesn't work so nobody is worried about the amateurs. If a dealer suspects someone of card counting, they report it to their pit boss who then watches the game. If the person IS thought to be card counting they are simply denied service at the casino.
What happens if you drop a chip on the ground while dealing blackjack or roulette or some other game? Would you bend down to pick it up or is the risk that someone would take the chips on the table too great?	If a chip is dropped I'll call the floor supervisor over to retrieve it. Yes, the reason is to protect the chip rack.
If you were desperate for money, and you had to find a way to take, say, $250,000 out of a casino, what would your plan be? Is there anything you think you could actually get away with?	There's too many security guards, surveillance, and key cards to take it in cash. It's not Ocean's 11 security but they know what they're doing. The only other option would be to steal chips but the large denomination ones are RFID tracked so that would be a bust as well. I'd have a better success rate applying for a loan at the bank.
You ever run into any damned NCR?	No, this particular stretch of wasteland is ruled by Caesar.
What's your favorite game to deal?	Blackjack is my personal favorite. There's a bit of an art to it that I enjoy. We ARE allowed to cut someone off but it's still a little frowned upon.
Are you allowed to cut someone off if they obviously have a problem stopping when they should, like a bartender cutting off a lush?	We can also cut people off from drinking, like bartenders.
Can you explain a little more? Is it just that it's hard to tell a guy who's just lost a lot of money from a guy that has just mortgaged his house a third time?	The 3rd mortgage story is actually pretty rare. Most gamblers are actually quite good with money. But there are signs we look for to spot problem gambling patterns and direct them to appropriate help.
What other games do you deal? I'm a former croupier. I deal all the games. I used to get high limit black Jack a lot, because I was young, cute and pleasant. That meant more tips and less marks. However, I always had more fun in low level games. I'd take $5 black Jack over hand held baccarat any day. Thoughts?	I deal all of them as well, although I'll admit craps is not my forte. I'm always impressed with the ones who do it well. I prefer low-level stakes myself. Baccarat's a hellishy boring game to deal.
What are the signs you look for?	Multiple trips to the ATM is one. Suddenly gambling much larger amounts of money is another. Referred to as going "on tilt."
So full tilt would mean gambling large sums? If so, TIL.	It's a term more commonly used in poker but yeah, that's what it means.
What's the most you have seen someone win in one hand/night?	The biggest I've seen in one hand was a bad beat jackpot dealt in the poker room. The winner left with a little over 250,000 dollars.
What's the etiquette when you make a mistake? I was in Vegas recently playing poker and someone innocently took an extra dollar back from the pot, so the dealer didn't return my small blind. I told him, he said the pot was right, I said I put $6 in and it was $5 total to call, he said I took $1 back, I said I didn't, we go back and forth, he makes some personal remark about my being bad at math and how could the pot be right, I make some personal remark about it not being my job to police the pot and him being bad at his job. Eventually he offered to call the floor but the guy who took the extra dollar gives it to me so no floor is called. What's the correct way to handle this type of situation?	If you think a dealer has made a mistake you are correct in telling him immediately. The floor should be called if the situation isn't immediately solved. If the money in question is a small amount (say a dollar or two) then the house usually neutralizes the dispute by putting in the missing money. Larger amounts would go through surveillance though.
Vegas is a magic place to me. I love it so much and I'm planning on moving their in my late twenties or thirties, can you tell me what it's like to live in Vegas instead of just visit? Also, how did you get the job of a card dealer?	Locals actually have quite a few perks. Some strip clubs, dance clubs, shows, and etc. have a locals discount or "industry night." The Vegas lifestyle is available to the locals at a cheaper rate but just remember not to do it every day. To get a job as a dealer I filled out an application, passed an audition. Simple as that.
What's the residential part of Vegas like? I've only ever seen the popular areas, Fremont and the Strip, or the deserts. And as far as the heat, I live in west texas and I love working in the dry heat.	It's mostly apartment buildings and gated communities alternated by strip malls and bars. The best bars are off the strip, in my opinion.
When were you hired? What games did you have going in on your resume, what did you audition for?	I was hired for my current job in late 2010. I had all standard table games on my resume and I was auditioning for poker. Resume's aren't as important in dealing as the audition. If you've been dealing for 30 years and you mess up during the audition, they're going to go with the guy with only 1 year of experience who aced it.
What is the largest tip you have received at the table? Is it possible to pick up a casino employee or is that frowned upon?	The largest tip I've received was 600 dollars. I saw a player toss a cranberry (5k) chip to a dealer once. Tips are a big "X" factor for your income and if you're not working at a casino full time it can be difficult to budget.
	I'm sorry, I completely missed your second question. Picking up a casino employee is possible and not really frowned upon. Don't expect much from the girls dealing in the "party pits" though.
Can roulette dealers really drop the ball within a number or two? Do you work at a newer casino or an old one? I miss the sports book at the Frontier. How long have you been at this?	No, roulette dealers cannot do that. Roulette wheels are checked for bias electronically and any suspicious patterns would attract attention. I've work/ed at newer casinos and older ones. I prefer the character of the older houses but I think the Aria is amazing. I've been dealing for about 10 years now.
I was playing blackjack at the Hard Rock a few years ago when a couple of prostitutes joined the table for awhile, trying to strike it up with my brother and me. They eventually gave up and left. The dealer told us he referred to these girls as "rack rats" because when they are successful, it hurt the house take (chips accumulating in his rack). Is that a general term, or just this dealer's lingo?	I've personally never heard it but I wouldn't be surprised if it was a common term. Gaming slang is a lot of rhyming and alliteration. I'd much appreciate it if the whole world would please stop saying "Winner, winner Chicken Dinner."
I'm going to Vegas in a couple of months and I love magic. What are some of the best magic shows to go to and how far in advance should I buy tickets?	By far the best magic show, in my opinion, is Mac King's show at Harrah's. Simple, but amazing illusions in an intimate-sized theatre and very funny. Penn & Teller are great as well. The tickets can be picked up for a discount at ticket booths around the strip the day of the show. The kiosks are called Same-Day Tickets or Half-Price Tickets and are a good value. Stay away from the Criss Angel show. It's terrible.
Why is Criss Angel terrible, in your opinion?	He spends most of the show posing instead of doing magic tricks. I don't think Criss Angel is terrible, just his Vegas show.
Have you ever met a pornstar with hugely enhanced breasts? Like Kayla Kleevage, Minka, or Claudia Marie?	No, but I have met a few pornstars out here. They're generally nice people, although it's always been in relaxed social situations.
How... 'relaxed'?	At bars or private/home games. I've never met any at events like the AVN awards.
I have 200 Dollars for the night. What things to do will last the longest / provide me with the biggest value / return (average-common sense) - sights,places,activities ?	Depends, are you gambling at all?
Yes, Blackjack ? And Roulette maybe ? But I was thinking in the lines of sites / clubs...	If you're going to play low-limit table games you're probably going to want to go downtown to Fremont Street. Set aside about 40 dollars apiece and play the minimum that the table allows. If you want to see a show there are kiosks around the strip and in many casinos that offer discounted tickets for shows on the current day. Clubs are expensive to get into (30 dollars is about average) and the drinks are quite expensive as well (10 dollar beers and god help you if you order anything remotely fancy).
If I won 1 million dollars at the casino would the casino report that to the IRS?	Yes, you'd have to sign a tax form similar to a W-2 to receive the money. Depending on how much you'd gambled in the past year you'd have to pay about 30 percent of it to taxes.
The correct form is a W-2G, where they should automatically mail/give you at the end of the year. It tells you all sorts of other fun details as well, such as what kind of wagebet you made, among other details.	That's the one. Taxes isn't really my end of the gaming machine.
What's the biggest sucker thing you can do in vegas? I've heard that slot machines are actually terrible odds but people play them anyway... so what are the stupidest ways you can lose your money?	Gambling is generally the quickest way, and slots are the worst but I think some of them are pretty cool. I'm someone who likes flashing lights and noise. Many new penny slot machines have been arriving with preset minimum bets like 25 credits but they pay out odd amounts. This usually leads to a player leaving 19 cents or so on the machine and walking away. There's people who just spend all day wandering from casino to casino looking for unclaimed spare change on the machines. It can be lucrative.
Im going to vegas soon with my girlfriend. Im only going to be there 2 nights and a day and a half. What is something romantic or exciting that most tourists dont know about?	The hiking in Red Rock Canyon is great although you'd need a car. First Fridays down in the arts district is always fun. There are countless shows (stand-up comedy, theatre, etc.) off the strip. If you're unsure of what to do in a particular stretch of time and need ideas pick up a Las Vegas Weekly. They're available for free all throughout town.
Is this a local law, or something? Or does it have something to do with cost?	I don't know but I suspect it's cost-related. Most table games have a 5 dollar minimum bet with a dealer to keep action moving. An undercover cop on the slots could control the pace. I think it's a waste of money either way.
Um..why wouldn't the casino cooperate and just give them house chips to bet with and then give them back? Also can you please tell me a good book to learn basic blackjack strategy (I don't like to always sit in front of a computer)	No, the possibility of fraud is far too high to give away money. There really isn't such a thing as "house chips." There are non-denominational chips that are used in roulette as well as specialty chips used for tournament-style play but use of those would blow the cop's cover, obviously. Also, as long as the hookers aren't pestering every player they come across, the casinos don't really mind them so much. They'll need a bed eventually. To learn blackjack strategy (or really any casino game) I'd actually recommend sitting in front of the computer a wee bit longer and visiting wizardofodds.com. It's a great resource for gambling smart.
What's the most interesting thing that you've ever seen?	That's a big question. It's all VERY interesting. You'll have to be a little more specific.
Has anyone ever made a scene over losing a large amount of money?	As a dealer, you develop quite thick skin. People will call you names and curse a lot but very few actually cause much of a scene. If a scene is caused, security is usually called and they usually eject them.
I am going in a couple days with some friends. However, I don't know how to play any of the table games. Do you know any good sites/videos to learn games like poker for a beginner like me?	Actually, many of the major casinos offer free classes that teach you how to play, usually in the mornings from 9-11 am. Many casino games can seem confusing or intimidating. My advice would be to take the free lesson and, if it seems fun, don't be afraid to throw a few bucks on the real thing. Just don't spend all your time in the casinos.
What's the etiquette for requesting tips? I had a lucky night at the blackjack table and the dealer was being an asshole telling me my "generosity has been outstanding" is it harder work for me to win? fuck that guy. amiright?	You are right. Tips are voluntary and even if we suggest it, we do it in a way that makes you think it's your idea. Some dealers have no tact and that's sad.
Is it not considered rude to ask a guest to tip though?	Yeah, it is but some still resort to it since many people don't know. Most guests that aren't accustomed to tipping will tip after realizing it's the social norm ("when in Rome") but if coerced into tipping will not be likely to later.
Are tips pooled? Do you rotate tables? I imagine the tables with larger bets get bigger tips.	Tips are earned on a table-to-table basis when you deal cash games in poker. Table games (everything else requiring a dealer) generally pool tips and divide them equally on a 24-hour timeframe. All dealers rotate into all games (except for Poker, which is usually a completely separate department) at one point or another. Unless there's a generous high roller most of our money comes from the more numerous, smaller tips from low-limit games.
How does it work with high rollers? Do they carry the cash they bet with? For example, if someone's playing a $500 minimum bet table, I would assume they'd buy in for 10 to 20 bets worth of chips. Do they really just throw 5-10 grand down on the table? And then you call out "Changing ten thousand" and proceed to show every bill to the camera, turn it over, lay it down (and probably cover the entire table 2-3 times over) and then stuff all 100 $100-bills into the cash box? Or do they establish some sort of credit with the casino and just get chips based on that?	They usually get a line of credit for the higher stakes players, yes but you'll occasionally get the high roller that throws up a few grand on the table in cash. I've seen more than a few people carrying 10k bundles around. There's a guy who plays poker down on Fremont Street called The Duke of Fremont Street (you don't say?!) who carries around a violin case full of cash, gold, and gold money clips stuffed with cash. Some people just like the attention.
Besides the line of credit they often have deposits at the cage where they get their chips or wired it in before they plan to enter a casino. Correct me if I'm wrong, MrVegas.	You speak the truth.
Do you like Fallout?	Sure do. Big fan of the games. The map of New Vegas is somewhat accurate although not to scale, obviously.
What is considered a decent tip at a table? Took a reasonable amount of money from the Cosmo a few months ago. I'm a cheap ass who didn't intend to gamble much and finished my trip playing $25 per hand blackjack. If you were my dealer, I hope my tip was appropriate.	Most poker dealers will get a dollar a hand as a tip. Since poker isn't a house game that tip isn't necessarily a "thanks for the lucky hand" but more of a "thanks for moderating the poker game." If you're playing 25 dollars a hand and you are dealt a blackjack, the blackjack will pay 37.50. A common tip on that would usually be the 2.50 but we appreciate a dollar tip/bet. Anything over 5 dollars (that isn't a high-stakes game) would be considered generous.
Fuck you let's not talk vegas. So tell me. What do you think of ohio?	I've never been there. The astronauts seem to hate it though.
What did you think of Nick Papageorgio?	That guy from Yuma who works in software? Nice guy. My friend fitted him for a suit once. Although I heard he stole some tourist wallet once.
Have you ever seen a person or group of people successfully count cards and leave with a profit? Or are they all losers?	I've seen it done to varying degrees of success, it's just not very common anymore, at least in Las Vegas. Most card counting groups operate in smaller Indian Casinos where the dealers are less likely to be trained against it. Opening a brand new casino in an area new to gaming is like ringing the dinner bell for card counters.
Do you have herpes?	No. Condoms are widely available in Las Vegas and encouraged.
Is a royal flush really that rare?	The odds of a video poker machine dealing you a royal flush on the deal is a little under 650,000 to 1 (happened to me once). As a poker dealer, I've dealt four in 10 years, although I've run into dealers who've gone their whole careers without dealing one.
You mentioned that you have been a dealer for 10 years. Do you see yourself doing this until you can retire or do you see yourself moving up? If you want to move up, what do you want to do eventually?	I could easily see myself doing this for awhile. It's fun, easy money and casinos are the best places in the world to people watch. If I moved up I'd probably like to teach dealers. I view dealing as somewhat of an art form and I'd like to reteach the "right" way.
Is card dealing a specialty? In other words, have you never worked craps or roulette? I'm always amazed at how craps dealers can keep track of everything at a busy table.	Pretty much everyone is called a dealer whether they actually "deal" anything or not. I have worked craps and roulette as well. I'm kind of bad at craps, I'm sorry to admit but roulette's fun.
What's the deal with the garish, ugly carpets you see in casinos?	I think many of them are just trying to unique. When you line them up right next to each other one mega casino is pretty identical to the next so they have to out-gimmick each other in every way. Also, many casino's carpet is actually coded to indicate areas where minor are and aren't allowed. There's usually a yellow brick road of sorts to registration and elevators.
Ok, if you see someone thrusting hard, what do you do?	I hope what they're thrusting into is enjoying the attention and I leave them to their business. I'm not sure what you were asking here...
Are there any films that have accurately portrayed what your business is like?	Not really, in my opinion. I honestly think it could be a decent (can't believe I'm saying this) reality show but the corporations that own the casinos would never let us speak frankly.
What kind of cards do you use, bicycle?, a deck specific to the casino?, or something completely different?	Most casinos use Kem or Copag cards for poker. Anyone who plays cards at home should pick some of these up. They're pretty difficult to mark, bend resistant, and they're perfect for parties. You can wash them in the sink! Blackjack and other card-based table games generally use custom cards made for the casino. I've never really paid attention to what brand they are since they're changed out so often.
My wife & I are going in a few months. (4 days/3 nights). I plan on playing/losing ~$100 on roulette and avoiding the card games. We are mostly going for shows (I'll check out those booths you mentioned) & food. One of the days I plan to send her to a spa and I want to check out some sport related gambling. Where is the best place for sports betting? Is there live betting (quick bets as in : Will Verlander strike the next batter out?)	I've always thought the LVH (the old Hilton) has a really nice sports book and their odds have always been fair. The kind of live betting you're looking for is usually the kind of action you'll get from the other patrons in the sports book. The casino doesn't have time to set odds on that short of notice.
What's the deal with craps? I went on a cruise and they had a video on casino games on a continuous loop and i'd watch the craps session over and over and still not get it. i also went on a little mine-class in the casino, was still drawing blanks. is there a "Explain to me like i'm 5" with craps.	Craps is confusing because the objective of the game changes so frequently and the odds are somewhat strange. Unless you want to go in-depth with game strategy I'd suggest putting your money on the pass line and throwing the dice until they tell you to stop. Not the best advice, I know, but I'm not a huge fan of craps.
I'll be in Vegas this June, what are the best night clubs? Is it best to buy tickets for the clubs and shows before hand or just go with the flow once I'm there?	It's a little pricey to get in (40 dollars last time I was there, if memory serves me correctly) but the Moon nightclub at the Palms Hotel is pretty damn cool. Open air at the top of the building. I'd buy the club tickets in advance since they're usually the same price. Half-price ticket booth the day of the show you want to see.
What is the best local restaurant in Vegas? Like, residential area restaurant.	The Asian food out here is great. The Chinatown District on Spring Mountain is packed with awesome food. Just pick one.
I am going to Vegas for my first time in a couple of weeks. Any tips, advice, where is the most fun to be had for the lowest price? Thanks for doing this AMA!	There are lots of groupons available for Las Vegas. The pinball museum is a cheap way to burn an afternoon.
Also -is there a proper etiquette when playing with other people (eg Don't hit when a dealer has a bust card), or is it every man for himself?	Proper etiquette is to shore up your hand against the dealer's without harming the other players. Hitting when the dealer is showing a bust card has started more than a few fights that I've seen. Practice basic strategy and try to make sure you're playing with people who do the same.
Swingers club?	The two popular swingers' clubs are The Green Door and The Red Rooster. Ladies get in free (of course), single men pay a pretty high cover charge, and couples get in for half price. They're... interesting places to meet people.
If someone is counting cards but is also a generous tipper, do you let him get away with it a little longer?	Tipping is one way of diverting attention and, yes, it does work. However, as I stated elsewhere, card counters have to adhere to certain rules and formulas regarding their wagers. They've made blackjack a business and tipping is bad for business.
What are some tips to get casino comps? Also what is your favorite buffet in Vegas? (We go to Vegas for the food and right now our Favorite is the Bellagio)	Ask for them. The biggest thing is shyness. There's a lot of people gambling in a casino at any given time so if you want your play to be evaluated for comps, simply tell the dealer or floor manager. I don't eat at the buffets too often.
Do you prefer I give you straight tip or put your tip down as a wager?	Alternating them isn't a bad way to go. Or you can always ask the dealer.
What's the strangest thing you've ever seen while dealing?	Wilford Brimley calling me a cocksucker.
How much do you make per year?	It varies, of course. It averages out to around 38-46k. I'm not a rich man but I enjoy the hell out of life.
Is it worth doing a hooker?	That's up to you man. I know people who've had bad experiences with them and I've had people who've had great experiences. Not all hookers are diseased and misguided. Some are business-minded and know that they're offering a service and do so professionally.
What do you think about older smaller casinos. Have you been to the tropicana lately?	I enjoy a lot of the smaller places. The Clarion is a great locals hangout and so is the Greek Isles. I was at the Trop yesterday. They recently remodeled almost the whole place. Looks great.
I heard the casinos make applicants take a hair test before getting hired...is this true?	Yes, you need to pass a drug test (usually hair) to get hired at nearly all casinos. It's only the one unless you do a union job though.
So when it comes to poker, "tight is right"?	I'm not sure I understand what you're asking. Could you elaborate?
Thank you for counting my cards when I'm a little slow.	You're welcome. You're there to have fun, not to do simple math all day.
I hear there are hookers in Vegas. How much would it cost for the hooker and I to get naked, except for sailor hats. Then we get into a Jacuzzi filled with Pepto-Bismol, and I clip her toenails while she shaves my buttocks.	3000 dollars.
Prostitution is illegal here in Clark County. Just felt like pointing that out.	I couldn't resist the Rat Race reference. Yes, prostitution is illegal, BUT you can drive about 45 minutes west to Pahrump and get a legal hooker at a brothel.
Dont a question for you, but this was the best AMA I've read in months! Funny answers, and detailed answers for the serious questions.	Thanks. This is pretty fun, I've got to say. This is my first AMA and I genuinely like informing and entertaining people. It's probably why I love my job.
Yes, I'm referring to the playing style. Either you place "loose" and play a lot of hands. Or you play "tight" and play far less hands, the best hands.	Poker strategy is slippery and no one credo or saying is right. If you're a beginner it's best to play a little more conservatively but you'll need to able to change gears eventually.
Unless he was controlling a single deck with both hands, never.	Right answer.
10% Generous/Grateful 5% A welcome but standard tip 1% Depending on your attitude towards me, may have been an insult, or just a cheapo.	Never feel like a tip is an insult. I make nearly my entire living by people tipping me one dollar at a time. "Cheapos" pay my bills.
I've personally never heard it but I wouldn't be surprised if it was a common term. Gaming slang is a lot of rhyming and alliteration. I'd much appreciate it if the whole world would please stop saying "Winner, winner Chicken Dinner."	Also, the savvy prostitutes will only pick up guys from table games. Vice cops can play slots undercover to try to lure in hookers but can't play table games.

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Questions	Answers
Have you ever seen anyone win or lose a life-changing amount of money? If so, how did it go down?	I saw a guy lose $1,000,000 once, I actually was dealing when he lost about $200,000 of that in about 15 minutes. It made me sick, but he didn't seem to mind much. Later he attempted to sue the casino because "clearly his drinks were spiked," but he later recanted that.
Also, what's the best way to score some comps?	How to get comps: Play for a long time and/or have a strong average bet. Buying in for large amounts and then not playing won't get you comps. Alternatively, be a fun person and the supervisor will probably hook you up because we appreciate the fun (not drunk) people.
What if you are fun and drunk??	Those two words likely don't go together. Trust me, we deal with SO many people every night that if you're drunk we are probably throwing you in with the others no matter what.
I've always wondered about counting cards. People get thrown out for doing it, but it's something that happens entirely in an individual's mind. Surely this is not cheating, and although the casino stands to lose out, they have no right to throw somebody out for doing this. So my question is: Has anyone been caught counting cards at your casino? Were they thrown out? Were they allowed back? What were they told?	Counting cards is not cheating at all. You're not doing anything but keeping a running total in your head and basing your play off of that. That being said, casinos are private businesses and can refuse service to anyone for any reason. Yes, people have been caught counting cards. The majority of them aren't that good at it, to be honest, and so we let them think they're getting one over on us (and still lose.) If someone wins "too much" or does too well, they will be approached by senior management and told that they can still play but can no longer play blackjack.
Are there any common tells that you look for when you suspect someone of card counting?	Generally I'm looking to see if they deviate from a reasonable basic strategy and have an abnormal success rate on hands where they make questionable plays. At that point I'll run a count as they play and see if they are changing their strategy and/or betting patterns when the count is in their favor.
Are they aloud to keep their winnings?	Yes, they get to keep what they've won. They just can't play anymore after that.
What does a player have to play for you to approach them an offer comps? Does that even happen anymore? I usually don't bet that much, is there any chance of me getting some freebies from the pit boss?	Honestly these days it's all computerized. Your play (on your players card) determines the comps you get. If it's your first time or your birthday (or you've played and/or lost a lot) you'll get more than you "should."
How can the computer determine your average bet etc.? Like, the computer will know how much you initially put down, but how would it know if you're actually playing each hand?	Some casinos (ours included) don't use the electronic betting recognition sofware. If you don't see the dealer pressing a little button before each hand, here's my advice - bet big right at the beginning. A lot of supervisors will put in your average bet when you first sit down and they swipe your players card and then won't adjust your average bet unless you made big changes throughout playing.
Who's your favorite person in the entire world?	My favorite person in the world is my lovely girlfriend, who asked me to do this and also supports me in literally every aspect of my life. She's an incredible person, I'll tell you that much!
Is Faee your girlfriend? I smell some colluding going on here.	Collusion indeed! It's so true.
No posts in /gonewild I'll save you guys the time.	Dear lord.
Have you ever had to permanently ban someone from your casino? What's the craziest way you've seen somebody get banned?	We've permanently evicted people for threatening physical violence on other players and/or employees, getting into fights, things like that. A man peed under a blackjack table once; he was evicted and arrested!
I was playing blackjack once and this other got got really mad at my friend for the bet he made, he stood on a soft 16 or something. He immediately knew it was dumb and apologized to the table and the game went on. But this guy kept ranting and I said hey man, chill out. It's over now. He got in my face and wanted to fight, saying lets take this outside. I sat looking at the dealer like sooo are you gonna do something or am I gonna have to hit this guy? In the end the guy backed down but no security or anything came over. We're there people perched in wait or was this casino really shitty and security? It was Wild West in AC.	Sounds like a shitty casino. I personally would have told the guy that he either stopped or he was leaving.
What are the chances of me being busted for switching my pass line to the dont pass line, after a point is established? What would typically happen if caught? Police or just booted?	Good lord, don't do this. Best-case scenario you get away with it, worst-case scenario you're arrested. You could also get thrown out if they don't want to deal with the cops or it wasn't that large of an amount. But seriously, just bet the don't from the start. You make your money off of the odds anyway.
How often do you find people cheating? What are some of the dumbest/clever ways you have caught someone doing so?	Cheating is less common than you may think these days. The technology we employ is really advanced, as most places have upgraded their surveillance tech. We can see a lot now. The best ways that people cheat now aren't by physically manipulating things, but by "taking shots." Little things, things like making a hand signal that could be interpreted as a hit or a stand and then raising a fuss if it doesn't go your way. Most casinos will just give you the money if it's not too much instead of fully investigate it.
The chips have always seemed susceptible to counterfeiting to me. What are the countermeasures that are not apparent. RFID?	Some casinos use RFID (they'll have a more plastic feel to them.) Honestly, even high-value casinos' chips are subject to counterfeiting. I've seen stickers replaced, I've even seen people paint lower-denomination chips to look like higher-denomination chips.
Stickers? I have only been to casinos in Australia (Criwn, Star City) , but none of those could have their denomination changed by simply changing the sticker (didn't actually notice any stickers actually) because the whole chip is multicoloured plastic.	Ours have stickers on them that could be taken off. They're different colors, though, so you'd have to do something else on top of that.
Does craps have the best odds in the casino if you understand the game well? Been gambling for a few years now and I have found that I typically only win when playing craps.	The best odds of all the table games is betting the Don't Pass with max odds behind it. Second-best is the Pass Line with max odds behind it. Those odds are true odds, the casino has ZERO house edge.
Also to add: while the pass/don't pass are great bets, craps also has some of the worst bets in the house. Stay away from the centre action!	Very good advice, prop bets are there to mess around with but don't play them if you're playing "smart."
Do the auto-shufflers for blackjack favor the house in any way? I always wonder if it uses a certain algorithm to determine how to shuffle the decks.	I HATE auto-shufflers. No, they have no way of knowing how many people are playing at the table or which cards go to the dealer. It's legitimately random, moreso than some dealers who have specific shuffles.
Should I turn around and run away now while I'm still ahead?	Don't play to win. Play to enjoy yourself and have a good time. Wins happen, losses happen.
Have you noticed that players who place bets for the dealers do better? A long-time Craps player gave me that advice. He said that getting the dealers involved in the game increases his luck.	The dealers appreciate the bets, but it doesn't help your odds. It's an illusion of luck. But by all means, tip the dealers!
How closely are you (or other pit bosses) looking for card counters? If I'm counting and you notice, what's a good way for me to know that you spotted me? Thanks!	Honestly, I'm probably not looking unless you're winning a large amount or you're making really large swings in your bets. I won't let you know if I suspect you, I'll have already called surveillance and they'll be running down (counting along) on the next shoe to see what you're doing. If you see security or people in suits near your table, just color up and leave. They won't do anything to you, but they're preparing to talk to you about what they've found and might back you off.
Ever have to lay down a beating on some unruly folk?	I wish! That's old-school, before my time. If we beat up someone who was unruly the state would shut us down, guaranteed.
Why is it than when I double-down at Blackjack table, sometimes the dealer will let me have the card down while others insist its shown. Is there an industry standard? I see no disadvantage to a casino to let me have it down, it adds a bit of excitement for me.	Different casinos have different rules. Ours used to mandate it face-up, but now we let you have it face-down.
How bad are the odds or win rates for slot machines? I feel like you are just throwing away money. Not saying that other casino games are better . What was your best perk being a pit boss?	Most states will publish the odds for slot machines. Honestly most machines at reputable places (as in not bars) will have a return rate of 95-98%. That's a lower house edge than carnival games or even roulette.
	The best perk? Honestly, that it pays well and I don't actually have to DO too much, haha.
Sooo, which casino game do you believe has the best odds for the player? Where do I have the best chance to win money?	I mentioned this elsewhere, but the don't with max odds on craps. Or the pass line with max odds. Or blackjack with perfect basic strategy.
I'm not a big table player, however I do enjoy standing back and watching friends. I've noticed in some games, especially blackjack, that there are "unwritten rules". i.e. what hands to hit/stay or split. Not everyone follows them and I've witnessed some players loudly get upset by another players style of play. What role does the casino have in these breaches of table etiquette?	I'm fine with people making "dumb" moves. Generally the dealer will say "Are you suuure?" if someone is about to split up their 20 or something like that. Other players do get mad when someone does something, but we protect our players. If someone wants to make a nonstandard or risky move, they have every right to. I personally wouldn't let a player berate another player, and it has nothing to do with the casino's interests.
I see anecdotal reports every once in a while about the facial recongition used by casinos, how good is it really? I'm also interested in what it is used for other than the obvious - tracking known card counters is an obvious one but in what ways is it used that aren't so easily guessed.	Facial recognition software has always been pretty strong going back for quite a while now. There aren't really too many ways it's used other than for people who have cheated or who have overall suspicious behavior. That's the only reason we'd want to run the software on someone.
I rarely tip at the craps table, but anytime the point is even I throw a two-way hardway, I realize that it is probably not ideal for the dealers and its not like I am forced to tip; but is that somewhat acceptable in the stickman world?	If you're putting the crew up on any bet they're happy, I promise. A large percentage of dice players don't tip. Any two-way bet is appreciated!
I'm going to Vegas for the first time in about 2 months. I really only know how to play black jack and texas hold em, but I really don't want to play poker for hours on end while I'm there. 1) Will dealers (or customers) get mad if i stand and watch a game for a few minutes before sitting down?	The only time players will get mad is if you're right on top of them. Stand back, see if you can get a pamphlet on the rules of the game you're watching, or just ask the dealers or supervisors! Honestly, they want you to play - not because they want to take your money, but because it's fun to teach and show someone. As for "easy" games, roulette is pretty easy to learn, dice is the most fun but can be overwhelming, carnival games (Three Card Poker, Mississippi Stud) are very easy since they're all poker-based.
How many people get thrown out in an average night?	I'd guess 2-3 people on a weekend night. The people that get "thrown out" are usually 12 or 24-hour evictions for intoxication.
Also, do you have any special training in counting cards?	Special training in counting cards? No, the casino didn't offer me training. I had to show that I could to become a Pit, though.
Have you ever stopped someone from playing who is obviously a gambling addict? Are you, or any other casino employee trained to spot the signs of gambling addiction?	We're not allowed to tell someone that we think they have a problem, but we can respond if they tell us they do. We have paperwork on it, we're trained to spot it (chasing losses, claiming to bet money they can't afford, etc) and we also have a hotline they can call. Additionally, players can fill out self-exclusion paperwork banning themselves from the casino if they feel they can't gamble responsibly. If they come back while banned, they can and will be arrested for trespassing.
What is your take on the advent of legalized on-line gambling in some states? Do you see this affecting you or your bottom line? Is this the "job stealer" the Pols are carping about, or is this just another throw away issue to fill warchests and line cheap-suit pockets in the year before an election?	I don't see online gambling ruining brick-and-mortar casinos at all. People like coming for the experience, it's not just the gambling.
Do you gamble at all, and if so, what's your favourite game? I like my roulette, there's nothing like the rush of adrenaline when you're on a losing streak and your strategy is to double down until you win.	I don't gamble, sorry! I used to play poker a ton, and I also really love Pai Gow even though it has an absurdly high push rate per hand.
When you say it pays very well, what do you mean? what's the starting salary like and how rapidly does it increment if you do a good job?	Table Games pays VERY well compared to other departments. Your housekeeping and security is probably making $10-$12/hr (more than they would at non-casino businesses, but still) and your slot techs are probably making $14 or so an hour. Dealers with the toke rate start above $20/hr, and as you go up (supervisors don't make tips where I work and at most places, although some places give supervisors a cut of it) you make more. Especially for the amount of work I do, I get paid well.
Would I get in trouble for ordering a 7&7 from the waitress? Do they kick people out for doing unlucky things?	You wouldn't get in trouble at all. Just turn away from the table. Although for comedy purposes, the waitress could come back and say "7&7?" as she brought the drink really loudly, then the table sevens out and blames her.
I was once playing Casino War (yeah I know) and a dealer actually peeked at my card BEFORE dealing it. She saw it was an ACE and told me to bet everything I had. Needless to say, I won the hand. Have you seen anything crazy like that in your travels?	Before I started working at my current place I heard a story that happened there where the dealer was using their back foot to stop the Big Six wheel (never play Big Six; happy it's gone) early which meant that the people playing knew where it would stop. He was physically handcuffed at the table and arrested. DON'T CHEAT.
For someone like me, who is underage at the moment but would like to visit Vegas in the future when I can actually get the full "Vegas experience", what do you suggest if I find myself in a casino? What is proper casino etiquette? I usually try to be courteous to anyone around me at events and such, but is there anything special I should know? Any "taboo" subjects I should stay away from in conversation at a table? Are there any specific games/areas you recommend staying away from? Either because that's where most of the unruly people flock to, or because the experience of playing is not worth the odds of losing?	You can just push a chip forward and say "For you." They'll thank you and drop it! -Not really, no. Play what you want! Stay away from unruly people in general, wherever they may be. Enjoy yourself!
How much money would be a decent amount to bring? Not in the sense that I'm hoping to win big, but in the sense that I'd like to experience as much of the casino as I can without going over-board.	Bring whatever you'd be willing to lose. Go to a casino with low limits, bring a couple hundred bucks. Do NOT bring an ATM card.
What's the saddest thing you've seen, working at a casino?	Years ago a guy was playing blackjack. He lost, left, and then came back with five crumpled up $1 bills so that he could make a $5 bet. He lost, was gone for another hour, and then came back and did it again.
	I'm okay with people who come every day, some people enjoy it. But I hate to see people play with money they shouldn't bet with.
I've heard of apps that are available on cell phones where you surreptitiously hit a button for a high card, a middle or low...the phone silently vibrates when the card count is high? Basically one keeps the phone in his jacket/sweatshirt and hit the appropriate buttons as the cards are dealt Encountered those?	There's a reason most places don't allow electronic devices at the table. If you were constantly looking at your phone I'd consider that a tell.
I recently turned 21, I have played a lot of card games, and tried to dip my feet in Blackjack and Poker. What is some general casino etiquette I should know? I've never been to one before. What kind of bankroll should I go there with? Craps sounds like a ton of fun but all the guides I've read are pretty confusing, and I have no idea how to play other than reading this thread/other places on the Internet. Like, I essentially imagine myself walking into this big place being totally lost and confused. What could you tell me that would make my first time going more enjoyable?	It's a lot less stressful than you're worried about. Go in, talk to people, enjoy yourself. It's seriously not that big of a deal, just enjoy your first time! Bring an amount you're okay with losing. Don't bring your ATM card in. Don't chase losses (I know I just lost my last bet but I know I can win the next one!)
Has a casino ever been robbed while you were working?	Not that I'm aware of!
One day i was walking around the strip after midnight on a tuesday, with 2 friends. we went to the bellagio, and ended up walking around the (mostly vacant) floor, buying some drinks, getting really drunk, and walking around the artsy stuff. the glass garden, the cirque du soleil sculptures in that museum. A security guard came by to the museum, when we were inside, and closed the door. the lights turned off and we got locked in. i started freaking out. ive never had anything happen like this before. The girl that was with me said its ok, theres a door to the back end right here- lets see if it opens. it opened. We ended up walking through the back end of the casino, past the dishwashing and laundry and various kitchens, and got lost trying to get back to the floor (theres not really any signs back there telling you where you are or where youre going to go) We were about to ask a room service guy for some help getting back to the floor, but before we got anywhere with that (he only spoke spanish? might have been just a dishwasher), we were in a weird situation. five or six of those men in blacks with earpieces, walking a money-box with a floor manager, from the floor to the vault (i presume, i dont know how this works). the MIBs asked us a bunch of questions, determined we werent there to intercept them, and one of them guided us back to the floor, and told us to have a good time and try to keep from getting locked in off-limits areas again. i thanked him a lot and then i decided, me and my tourist friends were just going to take a straight walk from where we were, to the nearest exit to the street. it took us past the high roller slots area first, and then past the dollar video poker area. as we passed these areas, they were opening the machines and unloading their cash, and loading up cash carts with the cash. at least 2 of the MIBs recognized us, and started doing their 'always around you, but appearing to just be crossing your path while doing their thing' act. i started getting scared, and we collectively decided to hurry the fuck up and get the fuck back out of this building, we probably just looked like some idiots trying to drunkenly do oceans 11. When we went to treasure island to get back to the parking garage and start our mission home, the MIBs in the vacant casino floor all kept crossing our paths, it was really fucking bizarre. To this day, 4 years later, i am still scared to go to bellagio, because i still notice the security/mibs/whatever crossing my path much more often than i ever noticed before walking up to a loaded cash cart in the backrom on accident while drunk at like 1 am on a tuesday. Should i be afraid? are the mibs really following me around, still? did i actually scare them by appearing to have some sort of their 'cash-loading' schedule? am i just being paranoid and none of this happened, and was just exacerbated by drunkenness and being somewhere i knew i was not supposed to be at a time that large sums of cash money were being moved around?	It's in your head. The day of, they probably kept tabs on you because you happened to be in an off-limits area with a money transfer. Now, they wouldn't remember or care.
How much, on average, does a casino make on slots? Also, how does all this money transaction work? Is there a big computer network the machines and tables are connected to?	It depends on the casino. Most places I've worked bring in 60-90% of their floor revenue from slots (10-40$ from tables.) Smaller places pull in six-figures per day easily, even on slower days.
Ever send someone off to look for a left-handed roulette ball?	"Hey, new guy, we need you to find the wheel grease. Go ask the shift manager." YES I HAVE.
My buddy was playing craps one night and had about 25-35 rolls i think( about 30-40 minutes worth of rolls I'd guess), the craps table officials or whatever you call them started to get pist off/angry and started yelling(not yelling, but loud pestering) at him to throw asap before people could even get their bets on the table/ their bets winnings, is this typical to throw off the guy because hes winning a bunch (went up like $800 and if he threw like 3 more times it would have been like 1.5k with a bunch of other people at the table winning as well)or were they just being dicks? Edit: Also the dealers got pist he didn't give them a tip after he finally lost because they were being assholes(he was pretty awesome about tipping the first 20 throws or so till the dealers became douches). Is this part of the dealers job since he was winning to get him flustered and lose?	It's not part of the dealers' jobs to berate someone that's winning. The only things that should bother a good dice dealer are when people are throwing in tons of late bets or are being rude. If you're winning, good for you! Keep winning! Sounds like they were just being jerks.
Do you remember any card counters in particular that you had to call the pit boss on? Any obvious large bet spreads that caught your attention at the blackjack table? Most interesting blackjack story? Thanks very interesting stuff.	It's me, I'm the pit boss. I've come across a couple. The most recent one is a lady that our surveillance ran a report on and concluded that she's definitely counting. She's not that good at it, though, so we let her go because even though she bets big she doesn't actually win. We have the camera on her every time she plays, though.
What is the most popular "carnival" table game your casino has? Also how many tables does your location have? Any new games that have come out which seem fun?	Mississippi Stud, by far. It used to be Three Card, but it's all about Mississippi Stud now. Total tables at our place is ~40 or so. We haven't had too many new games, lately it's just been adding bonus bets to existing games (three card bonus bets on pretty much all of our carnival games now.)
What's the craziest tip you've ever received as a dealer? Does the casino monitor these generosities?	Most casinos have a tip policy. I can't accept chips or money at all (dealers can accept chips, obviously.) We can't accept non-monetary gifts with a value of over $50 as well.
	As a dealer, I've been tipped in orange ($1,000) chips before by high-limit players.
How often do people try and cheat and has the amount of peolle trying to cheat declined since you first started working in a casino?	It's hard to say. The amount of people cheating with old methods (counting cards, etc) has declined. The amount of people taking shots (pretending they didn't want that hit, things like that) has increased, but it's harder to prove.
Other than the obvious of betting as much on every hand as possible or increasing my hands an hour... is there any other way to increase or maximize my comp rating?	There really aren't ways to maximize it. Increasing your hands per hour won't matter to the computer system, you'd honestly be better off betting more at a slower table because then it shows a higher average bet over a longer period of time.
What table game gives the most bang for the buck as far as comp pay back?	As for which table games are the best, avoid mini-bacc, pai gow, and any game where you have to add bets as the hand goes on (some carnival games.)
Would you ever gamble at a casino after your experience?	Would I? Yeah, knowing the odds wouldn't prevent me from doing it or anything. I just don't have a desire to do it.
Whats the best way about getting a job in a casino? I am interested in being a poker dealer, should I attend a school or will the casino offer my training?	You apply when a job is available and when a casino is starting/advertising a "dealer school." Some places will offer the training which is usually free, but you're not technically hired until after the class.
I hope you see this tomorrow and I didn't miss where it may have been answered- what kind of training, considering the free drink culture, do dealers get so they cut someone off if they are drunk? Not even obviously, but if the casino as a whole is giving free drinks, isn't every employee required to at least have a reasonable knowledge of who is incapacitated or not?	Great question! Everyone has to get a responsible alcohol server card, even people that don't serve drinks. It's a basic class that goes over how to spot intoxication, drinks per hour, things like that. People who can serve drinks also have to have a bar card. Where I work, dealers and supervisors can't cut people off. The Pit calls a Beverage Supervisor who makes that call.
Related question: do you think the days of free drinks in casinos are numbered? On a couple of Vegas podcasts I listen to, this has been discussed, especially in relation to the guy suing Downtown Grand over his losses on Super Bowl weekend. The thought is that one of the biggies (MGM, Caesars) might experiment with eliminating free drinks. And if one of them does it, the other biggie will follow suit, and then all the little guys would probably eventually follow along as well. Your thoughts?	It's an interesting question. Some places in the US don't serve free drinks. Everywhere is different. I don't foresee it actually taking, it's a pretty big part of "the experience."
What would be the best table game for a beginner? I love Mississippi Stud, but I would love to start branching out. My goal is to play live Texas Hold 'Em and win a hand, but I'd love to learn them all.	All carnival games are the same. Let It Ride is reverse Mississippi Stud, all the other games like Three Card and Flop are just variants of poker. Live poker is a little different, you can read and learn about it! There's always blackjack, which is simple and fun.
How many tables do you have per FM? At my casino it's moved from 4-16.	16 tables per supervisor? Different casinos have different terminology, ours has a floor per 4-6 tables and then a pit that oversees it all. 16 seems crazy to me.
Yeah well it used to be 2-4 but there's been a lot of staff cuts. We have 3 pits on the main floor, each containing 10-16 tables, and there's 1 FM per pit, 1-2 roamers and 2-3 pit managers floating around + doing the roster for dealers.	Interesting. We have about 40 tables total across multiple pits, but only one pit manager who oversees it all and runs the pencil/rosteroadmap. 1-3 floors per pit, depending on the size (4-6 tables per floor)
As a dealer, would you rather have someone tip you a $5 chip, or make a $5 bet for the dealer?	Personally, I'd like the tip instead of the bet. One of the places I worked at trained the dealers to always take it instead of betting it. Those bets have house odds; give me the money!
How high tech is the security? The show Las Vegas makes it look like over the top csi levels of technology.	TV shows are dumb. We have cameras everywhere that can zoom in pretty well (no ENHANCE! ENHANCE!) Huge places in Vegas probably do have very sophisticated technology, we're smaller and so we have tons of cameras, security, electronic locks and vaults, things like that.

Last updated: 2014-04-13 00:47 UTC
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